Parent Check-In — Stories and Stanza

A few quiet minutes to look at a hard moment with your child, notice how full you both are, and find words that make it safe to talk.

Nothing you write here is stored or sent anywhere. It stays in this browser tab, and it's gone when you close it unless you choose to save a copy.

Inspired by our Fail With Me conversation with clinical psychologist Dr David S. Marcus on emotional language, being a soothing presence, and emptying out. Read or listen to the episode. New to these ideas? Start with the key ideas.

Step 1 of 6

What happened?

Describe the moment as plainly as you can, as if you were telling a friend.

The momentFor example: "He threw his bag across the room after school and wouldn't talk." How old is your child?

Step 2 of 6

How full are you both?

When someone is filled up with a strong feeling, even the calmest explanation can't get in. Guess how full your child is, then be honest about yourself.

Your child

You

Step 3 of 6

Whose words are you using?

One boy described his anger as either "volcano mad" or "eat-your-peas mad". Children feel understood when we use their words, not ours.

What word would you use for what your child is feeling? What word does your child use, or might they use?If you don't know yet, that's a good thing to ask them.

Step 4 of 6

What might need emptying out?

Big feelings often sit on three levels at once. You don't need the answers, just your best guess, so you know what to listen for.

Right nowWhat happened today, in their eyes?

The historyIs there a "you always" or "this keeps happening" underneath it?

The deeper feelingWhat might this be touching? Anger often sits on top of sadness, hurt or feeling left out.

Step 5 of 6

Before you talk

Your first job isn't to fix it. It's to be someone who's okay while they're not okay, so it feels safe for them to keep talking.

You might try:

Try not to, at least for now:

Get upset back at them
Change the subject or make a joke to move past the feeling
Jump in with your own story and advice
Explain the lesson before they've emptied out

In your own words, how will you open the conversation?

Step 6 of 6

Where did you learn this?

Most of us parent the way we were parented. Noticing that is the first step to choosing what we pass on.

When you felt like this as a child, how did the adults around you respond? What would you like to keep? What would you like to do differently?

Your check-in

Here's what you wrote. Save a copy if you'd like to come back to it, or simply close the tab.

Key ideas from the conversation

Dr Marcus uses a few simple ideas again and again. Tap a card to read more.

This check-in is for reflection. It isn't therapy or a substitute for professional support. If you're worried about your child's safety or your own, please reach out.

In Australia: Parentline (Victoria) 13 22 89, Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800, Lifeline 13 11 14. In an emergency, call 000. Outside Australia, please contact your local support services.

Stories and Stanza · Self Check-In · Open Letter